Sunday, April 17, 2005

Which Ear?

My main concern now is which ear should I do if I am a good candidate for a cochlear implant? I have a "good" ear and a "bad ear" according to my audiogram. If I had to choose to wear only ONE hearing aid, I favor my "bad" ear (my right ear) and seem to hear better with that. I keep asking God "which one?" I found one answer in the book I'm reading right now called Hear Again. In it the author writes:

"Once I was declared a candidate, the surgery date was set. I had to decide which ear I wanted to have implanted. Since the hearing in the implanted ear is usually destroyed, I didn't want to give up my better ear even though it heard so poorly. I preferred to use my left ear, which was virtually 'dead.' Another test, called a 'prom stim,' (My note: I'll have to find out what this test is) was performed to see if the auditory nerve in that ear could be stimulated. Much to my relief, the auditory nerve was very much alive, so I stayed with my decision to implant my worse ear."

Church was wonderful this morning. We are doing a series about "Walking with God." Pastor Jeff talked about how God's strength can shine through our weaknesses. After the service I shared my story with Jeff. I really feel that God wants to use me to share my testimony and story about this journey, but not yet. I don't really view my hearing disability as a "weakness" or "thorn in my side" because I've lived with it all my life but someone else probably would. As a young child, I used to pray for God to give me perfect hearing. I was a little disappointed when He did not answer that prayer. Later, as I grew older, my prayer to God has always been to keep what little hearing I have left (which is only 5% in both ears). He is not answering that prayer, either. But, God really does answer prayer in His own way and in His own time. I just need to trust Him and be patient. Maybe He will answer my original prayer that I prayed as a child. Maybe I will have to lose all of my hearing in one ear in order to be implanted to hear better. I'll be happy with anything that is better than what I have now whether it is 40%, 50%, or more. I do know that He has a perfect plan. I need to keeep "listening" to Him. . . . .I know that God is always at work and keeps His promises. As long as we keep believing in Him, he will move mountains and do the impossible. But, He doesn't say how long it will take. If we give God time, he will perform miracles. I have seen it and I believe it.

I told Pastor Jeff that I wasn't sure which ear to do. He said that he thought I should do my "good" ear, which is my left ear, so that I can use my other one for a back up. I think he is right. If I do go forward with this implant, it will be extremely difficult for me to go without hearing in one ear for four weeks! I did an experiment yesterday and walked around with my hearing aid in my "good" ear. I didn't like it that much. I like the hearing aid in my "bad" ear better. I will trust the Dr. and see what he says. . .

Only four more days until I see Dr. Merwin. . .I keep hearing the words in my head to a song sung by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli with the words: "Lead us to the place, Guide us with your grace, to a place where we'll be safe. . .but cannot remember the rest of the words. If I do get implanted with a cochlear implant, the first thing I want to hear is Marissa singing and playing the piano. She makes my heart sing.

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