We sang "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord" in church today. I thought I would add a second verse because my heart is "singing with joy" today. . .
Open the Eyes of My Heart
(Verse 1)
Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see you
I want to see you
To see You high and lifted up
Shining in the light of your glory
Pour out Your power and love
As we sing Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
I want to see you, I want to see you. . .
(My Verse)
Open the ears of my heart, Lord
Open the ears of my heart
I want to hear you
I want to hear you
To hear you calling out my name
And to know that you are with me
Fill me with Your grace and peace
As I sing Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
I want to hear you
I want to hear you. . .
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Numbing Fear
I've promised my friends and coworkers to add another entry to my journal this weekend. Ever since my phone call from the doctor's office three days ago my emotions have ranged from pure excitement to numbing fear now that this is going to be a reality. Just pray that I will be calm on the day of surgery. I know that God will be with me and will watch over me as I start this new phase in my life as a cochlear implant user. I have a feeling that the whole culture in our household will change! I'm beginning to realize more and more that my potential future as a completely deaf person is slowly fading away. With the amount and quality of sounds that I have not been able to hear, it probably will take me a while to learn and recognize all those new sounds after I get "hooked-up." I am still apprehensive about losing the residual hearing in my left ear after the implant but need to look on the positive side. I really have nothing to lose and have everything to gain as long as I have high hopes and low expectations. I know there isn't much residual hearing left compared to what I used to have before. My friend, Susan, says that she still has a little bit of hearing in her implanted ear without the processor. It is possible that the surgeon might unknowingly save a little bit of residual hearing after the surgery. It is my prayer that that the CI will enrich my life with new sounds, music, laughter, and love. I hope to be able to share this new CI experience with others, especially with my brother Doug, who also has a severe hearing loss.
Steve and I went to out to dinner last night with Jack and Marcie, some dear friends of ours. We had a great time. I did struggle with the conversation a little bit in the restaurant because the lights were dim and it was noisy. I really have to work hard to read lips in that kind of an environment. The Freedom Implant that I will be getting has a special feature on it that will allow me to focus on people talking to me while blocking out the background noise, just like the brain does for normal hearing persons. We rode in the car together and I was happy that Marcie sat in the back with me so we could talk.
This morning we went to a land auction. We had hoped to purchase some land for investment purposes but the bidding started higher than the amount that we had hoped to get it for! Even though the auctioneer had a microphone and it was loud enough for me to hear, I still could not understand what he was saying. He covered his mouth with the microphone and spoke very fast like most auctioneers do. I love the excitement and thrill of auctions but have to go with someone who can tell me what is going on, what is being bid on, what the current bid is, and so forth.
Later this afternoon, we went to a wedding at our church. One of Marissa's youth leaders got married. The wedding was beautiful. Steve and I sat as close as we could so that I would be able to understand and hear what was going on. I could not always understand the minister since the bride and groom blocked my "view" of his lips but I loved the music. The bride's brothers played violin duets. There was piano music and some sort of xylophone as well as a soloist. I have always been able to appreciate music, especially the piano. I could not hear the violins "sing" very well but it will be interesting to hear what they sound like after the implant.
Helen Keller has always been a role model of mine. I'm going to close with one of her quotes . . .
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." So, I will be optimistic and hold fast to hope!
Steve and I went to out to dinner last night with Jack and Marcie, some dear friends of ours. We had a great time. I did struggle with the conversation a little bit in the restaurant because the lights were dim and it was noisy. I really have to work hard to read lips in that kind of an environment. The Freedom Implant that I will be getting has a special feature on it that will allow me to focus on people talking to me while blocking out the background noise, just like the brain does for normal hearing persons. We rode in the car together and I was happy that Marcie sat in the back with me so we could talk.
This morning we went to a land auction. We had hoped to purchase some land for investment purposes but the bidding started higher than the amount that we had hoped to get it for! Even though the auctioneer had a microphone and it was loud enough for me to hear, I still could not understand what he was saying. He covered his mouth with the microphone and spoke very fast like most auctioneers do. I love the excitement and thrill of auctions but have to go with someone who can tell me what is going on, what is being bid on, what the current bid is, and so forth.
Later this afternoon, we went to a wedding at our church. One of Marissa's youth leaders got married. The wedding was beautiful. Steve and I sat as close as we could so that I would be able to understand and hear what was going on. I could not always understand the minister since the bride and groom blocked my "view" of his lips but I loved the music. The bride's brothers played violin duets. There was piano music and some sort of xylophone as well as a soloist. I have always been able to appreciate music, especially the piano. I could not hear the violins "sing" very well but it will be interesting to hear what they sound like after the implant.
Helen Keller has always been a role model of mine. I'm going to close with one of her quotes . . .
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." So, I will be optimistic and hold fast to hope!
Thursday, July 28, 2005
WE HAVE A DATE!!!!!
Dr. Merwin's office just called me at work! I will be getting my cochlear implant on August 30th at 7:30 a.m. at Baptist Hospital in downtown Knoxville! I am crying happy tears and have goosebumps all over! God is good all the time. And all the time God is good! More on this later. . .
Sunday, July 17, 2005
No Date Yet. . .
I thought I better post a quick message here. I'm still waiting on the Dr. to set a surgery date. He has been on vacation and has not been able to review the approval letter or paperwork from the insurance company. Last week I stopped by his office since I had to take my car to Knoxville to get it worked on. I talked with Teresa, his nurse, and she made a copy of my approval letter and will get back to me this week. I really should not complain. . .Dr. Merwin is the only doctor (that I know of) in Knoxville that does this particular type of surgery and I'm sure he is a very busy man. Hopefully we will have a date soon.
I am sad today. Some friends of ours lost their daughter, Rachel, yesterday. I stopped by their house on the way home from church today and will bring some food later. Today is Rachel's 20th birthday. . .I cannot imagine losing a child and am hurting for Betsy and Craig and their family. More later. . .
I am sad today. Some friends of ours lost their daughter, Rachel, yesterday. I stopped by their house on the way home from church today and will bring some food later. Today is Rachel's 20th birthday. . .I cannot imagine losing a child and am hurting for Betsy and Craig and their family. More later. . .
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
APPROVAL!!!
Today is a good day! I had an email message waiting for me this morning from our insurance company. The pre-determination for my cochlear implant was approved on June 20th! Yay! I just stared at the computer for a few minutes and read the message several times! I sent text messages to everyone I could on my phone to share the good news! I wasn't sure what to do after that so I called the doctor's office (through Relay, of course!) to find out what we needed to do next. Teresa, Dr. Merwin's nurse said that the doctor needed to review the letter and paperwork and would let her know when to schedule the surgery date. I asked her if she could give me a time frame by looking at his schedule and she said that it would possibly be mid-August. I'm ready! That means I will be activated before my Dad's birthday on September 15th and he is the first person I want to call on the telephone as soon as I am able to! I still cannot imagine being able to experience the world of sound that has been denied to me for so long. Dad told me several weeks ago that when I was first diagnosed with my hearing loss, I only had 15% hearing. Now I have less than 5%. I'll be happy just to hear 30, 40, or 50%!!!
I wrote back to the insurance company to tell them that I had not received the letter yet. Another message came later saying that the letter was only sent to the doctor. They put a copy in the mail to me today. I'll just keep watching the mailbox for a few more days.
I wrote back to the insurance company to tell them that I had not received the letter yet. Another message came later saying that the letter was only sent to the doctor. They put a copy in the mail to me today. I'll just keep watching the mailbox for a few more days.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
A Scary Day
Yesterday was a scary day for our family, especially for me and Brad. Right after I left work, Brad sent me a text message on my phone that said, "Mom! Kayla was in a wreck! I'm on my way to the hospital!" Kayla is his sweet girlfriend and I'm her "second" Mommy. This was one of those times when I wished I could talk on the phone but I couldn't. I didn't want to text Brad back because I knew he would be rushing to the hospital and didn't want to cause another accident by texting him. So . . . .I waited for 20 very long minutes until he texted me again. I didn't know if she was hurt, alive, or anything. All I could do was pray. It was so hard not knowing anything. I wanted to be there for Brad and Kayla. I love my children so much and their special friends and when they hurt, I hurt, too. Brad texted me again and said that she was okay but had totalled her mom's car. Another message said he was bringing her home as soon as she got done with X-rays. When Steve came home, I had him call Brad to find out what was going on. Apparently, she had just had lunch with Brad and was on her way to the airport to pick up her grandmother and got caught in a quick downpour on the highway. She hydroplaned the car and lost complete control of it. She is so lucky to be alive because the car is almost split in two. Luckily she didn't hit any other cars and the guy behind her stopped the traffic and took care of her until the rescue squad could get there. Brad said she wanted to come and see me as soon as she got back. I was so thankful to be able to give her a hug and see that she was going to be okay when Brad carried her in the house. Her whole left side is bumped and bruised and she can hardly walk.
Using the phone by voice has always been a struggle for me. There was a time years ago when I was able to talk and understand short conversations on the phone. I can remember exactly when I lost that ability in my early 20's. We had a great telephone when we lived in Connecticut but after we moved, I could never quite use the phone very well again. I often wished I had taken that phone off the wall and moved it with me but it belonged to Ma Bell before the telephone companies changed the way they operated. Now, I rely almost totally on Relay service. For those of you who don't know what relay is, it allows people who use TTYs/TDDs to phone others who don't have one. A TDD/TYY is a telephone with a keyboard that displays printed text on a screen. My computer serves as my TDD/TTY. I found a wonderful Relay service on the Internet through AT&T (http://www.relaycall.com/national/relay.html) and don't even use my TDD/TTY anymore. (I recently sold it on eBay!) I just use the website and my computer for relay calls and it is great. The Relay Service is basically a three-way call where the Relay operator has a TDD/TTY between me and the hearing person that I am calling. I will type to the Relay operator what I need them to relay/say to the hearing party and the operator types back to me what the hearing party's response is. This allows me to speak directly to the hearing party and gives me the independence to make my own phone calls. The calls take a little longer this way and people have hung up on me, not realizing that I am the one actually calling them and not the AT&T or some other phone company! I have been using Relay for over 20 years now and cannot imagine being without it. It doesn't have that personal touch (ever try to say "I love you" through another person to your spouse or child?!!! Or tell a third person something personal that you want to say to a doctor??) But it is better than nothing. Better than driving to and from a doctor's office with a fever or sick child to make an appointment and then driving all the way back later for the actual appointment. It has been my lifesaver, especially since Steve or the kids aren't always around when I need them to make phone calls for me. I wonder if I will be in a hurry to use the phone after my implant. I have too much emotional baggage associated with phone calls.
Using the phone by voice has always been a struggle for me. There was a time years ago when I was able to talk and understand short conversations on the phone. I can remember exactly when I lost that ability in my early 20's. We had a great telephone when we lived in Connecticut but after we moved, I could never quite use the phone very well again. I often wished I had taken that phone off the wall and moved it with me but it belonged to Ma Bell before the telephone companies changed the way they operated. Now, I rely almost totally on Relay service. For those of you who don't know what relay is, it allows people who use TTYs/TDDs to phone others who don't have one. A TDD/TYY is a telephone with a keyboard that displays printed text on a screen. My computer serves as my TDD/TTY. I found a wonderful Relay service on the Internet through AT&T (http://www.relaycall.com/national/relay.html) and don't even use my TDD/TTY anymore. (I recently sold it on eBay!) I just use the website and my computer for relay calls and it is great. The Relay Service is basically a three-way call where the Relay operator has a TDD/TTY between me and the hearing person that I am calling. I will type to the Relay operator what I need them to relay/say to the hearing party and the operator types back to me what the hearing party's response is. This allows me to speak directly to the hearing party and gives me the independence to make my own phone calls. The calls take a little longer this way and people have hung up on me, not realizing that I am the one actually calling them and not the AT&T or some other phone company! I have been using Relay for over 20 years now and cannot imagine being without it. It doesn't have that personal touch (ever try to say "I love you" through another person to your spouse or child?!!! Or tell a third person something personal that you want to say to a doctor??) But it is better than nothing. Better than driving to and from a doctor's office with a fever or sick child to make an appointment and then driving all the way back later for the actual appointment. It has been my lifesaver, especially since Steve or the kids aren't always around when I need them to make phone calls for me. I wonder if I will be in a hurry to use the phone after my implant. I have too much emotional baggage associated with phone calls.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Baby Robins!
I was thrilled to find a bird's nest next to our driveway this morning! I found the nest because I just happened to notice a male robin fly in the tree with a worm in his mouth. I figured he would move if he saw me but he disappeared in the leaves. I looked a little closer and found the nest and some babies reaching upward with their beaks waiting for food! This is just another example of how my eyes are my "ears" for me since I don't hear the birds but see them. That was a God Moment for me today. I know that if God takes care of the birds and supplies all of their needs, he will take care of me, too! I know that as long as I keep my hand in His hand and walk with Him, there is nothing that I cannot do or become.
I keep watching the mail every day for my "letter" from the insurance company. I'm hoping they'll respond soon since I called them this past week. Next week our whole family will be on a much needed vacation! We all need it! I was hoping to have the implant done before our vacation so I could hear the sounds of the ocean and the beach and the seagulls, etc. I'll just "listen" for them with my eyes instead!
I keep watching the mail every day for my "letter" from the insurance company. I'm hoping they'll respond soon since I called them this past week. Next week our whole family will be on a much needed vacation! We all need it! I was hoping to have the implant done before our vacation so I could hear the sounds of the ocean and the beach and the seagulls, etc. I'll just "listen" for them with my eyes instead!
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